may contain trace quantities of nuts

< something deep about life > 5/10/2006

i’ve had a very bad day. scratch that, i’ve had a very bad month. long story short, i *may* have Marfan syndrome, which is a big bummer for a lot of reasons, most of them involving cardiologists. today during my echo cardiogram, i got the shit scared out of me by the technicians.

first 8 minutes of test:
*dead silence of two technicians staring intently at a monitor i could not see*
then:
tech 1: “NICE!”
tech 2: “WOW!”

remaining 8 minutes:
*dead silence of two technicians staring intently at a monitor i could not see*

then, tech 1 tells me that if i haven’t done so already, i should schedule an appointment with my doctor so he can go over the results with me, tells me to “enjoy this great weather!” and pops out the door. without ever even aknowledging that i was the person in the room who had been doing all that nice, wow stuff they were looking at, and WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT ??

but then later today, someone i was talking to mentioned pedro the lion, and it made me think about how joe played ‘control’ almost constantly in his car when we were first dating, and it made me want to listen to a few songs, which turned out to be a good idea. because, even though the songs are miserable and about dying and cheating it still gives me nice strong echoes of the way i felt that spring when i was going through the very sweet insanity of falling in love with the most incredible person i will ever meet and i still felt semi-young, semi-beautiful and semi-immortal.

and i guess it all comes down to being able to take the good with the bad and being okay with not being in control of everything.

i’ll let you know if i ever manage to do that.