may contain trace quantities of nuts

you can suck it, babycenter 10/17/2006

so, today babycenter sends me some email about “make sure you’re eating right while you’re pregnant!.” so i think, you know, it’s probably not a bad idea to check in and make sure im not like totally forgetting something and starving the little guy of some vitally important nutreint. the email links me to this.

2-4 servings of fruit a day, 3-5 servings of veg a day, 2-3 servings of meat/beans/protein a day, 2-3 servings of dairy a day, 6-11 servings of bread/cereal/grains a day. jeez. that’s a lot to keep track of. but don’t worry, pregnant lady (for worrying is now what you do best, we know), we have included a tremendously helpful sample menu.

i’ll paste the sample menu here so you don’t have to scroll to find it, because that’s how much i love you. discussion/evisceration to follow immediately.

See a sample menu for a pregnant woman
Here’s an example of a daily menu from the USDA (with a few extra snack suggestions to boost your calcium intake):

Breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe
2 whole-wheat pancakes with blueberry sauce
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
Chili-stuffed baked potato topped with low-fat, low-sodium cheddar cheese
1 cup spinach-orange salad
6 wheat crackers
1 cup skim milk

Dinner:
Apricot-glazed chicken, 1 breast half
3/4 cup rice-pasta pilaf
1 cup tossed salad w/ reduced-calorie Italian dressing
2 small hard rolls
1/2 cup vanilla ice milk

Snacks:
6 oz nonfat plain yogurt
1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese
1/2 medium apple
1 large soft pretzel

are you fucking KIDDING ME?! HALF A FUCKING APPLE?! SIX GODDAMN CRACKERS?! first of all, let’s get one thing clear up front: i. do not. count. crackers.

this is the kind of shit that really chaps my ass. lemme break it down for you. i’m pregnant. i’m gonna get huge. fuck all that demi moore ‘pregnant is hawt’ bullshit. what the fuck is wrong with this fucking society that you have to worry about being fuckable EVEN AT EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT? fuck that. pregnant is NOT hot if you’re the person doing the heavy lifting. it’s only hawt if you’re some jackass privelliged nitwit who wants it to be all beautiful and miraculous because that turns you on, as long as you never have to ponder how the sausage actually gets made, so to speak. and nothing makes a person ponder and have opinions like a woman who has ‘let herself go.’

pregnancy is uncomfortable, undignified and unpleasant for the most part. it has its moments, don’t get me wrong, but physically? it fucking blows, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either in denial or a complete jerk.

every time i check one of those ‘development updates’ for the kid (you can find one for every week of development) there’s always some shit at the end tacked on about how much weight *I* should have gained (read: not gained) by now, and offers helpful links to articles happy to tell me what my fat ass is doing wrong (hint: i eat the whole apple).

oh my fucking god, you can kiss my expanding ass. im creating another human being. if i’ve gained an extra five pounds and it bothers you, it’s really your fucking problem, isn’t it? don’t fucking tell me to eat half a cup of cottage cheese and make sure my dressing is always reduced-calorie and my milk is always skim and i don’t eat TOO MUCH GODDAMN APPLE because i might get fat. what, is the kid going to be born with an extra foot and brain damage because i ate too many oreos? no, of course not. this is all cosmetic bullshit. this is all about keeping pregnant women attractive. one article on “nutrition” i read at least had the cojones to be up-front about their weight-gain concerns for me by adding “remember, any extra weight you pick up is going to be that much more for you to lose after you have the baby!”

seriously. babycenter can suck it.