may contain trace quantities of nuts

a public service bulletin 11/20/2006

People, I think we all understand, are pretty stupid. However, there appears to be something about the presence of a visibly pregnant woman that renders them even more impeded. This past weekend, I attended a party that truly illustrated how stupid people can be. I won’t be going to any more parties until after this kid is born. But, since I’m really a giver by nature, I thought I’d write up a little guide of Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman. I’m not saying anyone here is stupid. But, you know. Just in case.

Greetings
Do not spy me and yell from across the room to me “HEY FAT LADY!” as you come to greet me. I will probably not have a nice reaction. If you find yourself about to do this, stop for a second and think. Ask yourself the following question: “In my limited experience, has there ever been a time in my life when I would have embraced being called ‘fat lady’/'Fat Man’? No? Then the object of your greeting probably feels similarly. If you greet someone like this, be prepared for them to snarl the greeting back at you. Or some variant like “Baldy,” “Stinky,” or “Old Snaggletooth.”

Similarly, do not screech “OHMYGODYOU’REHUGE” at me. Seriously, it’s not news to me. I’m aware of how big I am. I’m aware of it when I take a shower, I’m aware of it when I try to roll over in the middle of the night, I’m aware of it when i have to ask my husband to help me trim a toenail and I’m aware of it when it takes me three tries to work up the momentum to get up off the sofa. I’m not likely to say “Really?? Holy shit I just thought I was drying my clothes on a waaaay too high heat setting!”

Introductions
When someone introduces me to you, don’t say first thing “Ohhhh, you’re the pregnant lady.” It should be obvious why this is bad practice, but just in case it’s not, I’ll clarify: It is generally rude to identify people by their medical conditions. It would probably be tacky to declare “Oh hey, you’re the guy with the benign tumor!” or “Oh hey, there Mr. Psoriasis!” Seriously, as I mentioned above, it totally has not escaped my notice that I’m knocked up, and you’re really not accomplishing a whole hell of a lot in reminding me.

Proxemics Violations
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t reach out and start feeling all over my stomach. It’s still my stomach. If you want to paw me you should really have my permission, don’t you think? Unless we’ve established prior to my pregnancy that such an interaction would be tolerated, you really ought to keep your mitts off my person.

Socially, it’s about as fun to have someone grabbing my belly to try to “feel the baby” (which, shouldn’t you have my permission to go feeling my kid, while I’m thinking about it?) as it is to have the hosts’ dog coming at your crotch with the big, wet nose, and honestly should probably be dealt with the same way. From now on, when I see the hand approaching, I’m going to slap it and yell “OFF!” Hopefully that will do the trick.

Conversation
While I’m sure your sister/wife/mother/friend/buddy’s girlfriend really truly was in labor for ninety-five hours, I’m probably not going to have the same experience. Don’t you worry, though, I have thought very thorougly about giving birth and I’m sufficiently alarmed by the prospect to satisfy The Public’s need to ensure that every pregnant women it encounters is scared shitless. In fact, you might be surprised to know, most of us have. I know that hearing a secondhand anecdote through your aunt Vi of how your cousin in Bethesda fared in the delivery room makes you a certified expert, and I really don’t mean to disrespect your credentials. Rest assured, I’m scared of the whole thing. You do not need to explicitly ask me. As in: “Aren’t you scared? Isn’t it scary?

Finally, lest anyone accuse me of having pregnancy-induced hyper-sensitivity, I ask you. Am I really that sensitive? Would you have groped me, called me a fatass and engaged in lurid Schadenfreude before I’d gotten pregnant? No? You would have treated me like any other normal, default human being and assumed it’s rude to 1. comment on size or 2. grab body parts? Then maybe you’re the jackass.

Oh, and maybe you’ve put on a few yourself, bub.